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Why I Don’t Sleep

April 2, 2012

It’s night where I am. I would love to sleep, but there’s something keeping me awake…something so evil, so volatile that I want to destroy things when I think about it. It’s a roof turbine vent. And it is squeaky. Anytime it’s windy out, the damn thing squeaks and grinds and makes the exact sound that I would imagine a crying house would make.

I rent this room on the second floor of a house that belongs to a 75 year old lady. Neither one of us is going to climb out onto that roof to see what the problem is. A little research tells me that my roof turbine vent needs to be lubricated, but I don’t know where to start. Roof turbine vents are made to pull the hot air out of attics, and keep the cold air out also. I’m sure you’ve seen them before. They look like awful metal muffins:

Roof Turbine Vent

Do Not Eat

If I could climb out my window and kick the rusty thing, I would. That’s what I fantasize about when it wakes me up in the middle of the night with its haunted wails. “I’m the boss around here, roof turbine vent” (that’s what I’d say as I was kicking it). But maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe there will be no wind tonight.  Or maybe the cops will have to coax me down from the top of the house at 1 AM, while I kick and yell into the night.



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